Feb 25, 2013
The answer to your endless whining on why you cannot find true love will not be found in any manual or self-help books in bookstores. The next time you go on a date in the hope of hitting off with ‘the one’, do not live by the dating rules. Just be yourself and give the world a chance to fall in love with who you really are.
Are there any rules to play the dating game?
According to Dr Petra Boynton, a social psychologist from University College London, it may now be time to throw those self help books out of the window and return to the basics. Speaking at the British Science Festival in Birmingham recently, she has described most of the advice given by dating websites and books as unscientific “bunkum”.
Dr. Bonyon, who is an expert in sex and relationships aside from being a popular agony aunt in magazines dismissed most of the dating advice and pick up lines that have been fed to readers everywhere. Her advice: keep it simple. Quoted in several newspapers in Britain like The Telegraph and The Age, she reportedly suggested that the best ice breaker and chat up line was probably the basic “Hello. How are you?”
[Read: How to Succeed in Dating]
She has been quoted as saying that “They talk about ‘science has shown’ or ‘biology says’ or ‘in evolutionary terms men are programmed to be the aggressors and women are not’. But they never cite any of the science they’re talking about and when you look at the way they apply it, it’s just rhetoric. There’s no science to actually back up what they’re saying. Also, the way they evaluate themselves is by sales. You can’t know whether they work at all based on that.” Seema Gulati, a Delhi-based professional, who is an avid reader of the self-help books that Dr. Bonyon is so critical of, had this to say, “Maybe she’s right. Maybe all of us who have been batting our eyelids at guys and hoping it’ll work are still single because it hasn’t worked at all!”
Dr. Bonyon believes that if you have to think about what you’re coming across as and presenting yourself in a particular way and having to manage a line, it tends to come out looking extremely contrived. She was of the opinion that pick-up lines are useless and are most often too transparent. Giving women back-handed compliments is a no-no as well. She believes that it merely “unsettles” women and makes them “run for the hills”. The newspapers also reported that not calling him first, or not answering his calls, and generally playing hard to get in order to keep him “on his toes” is bad advice.
[Read: What is Dating?]
Traditional dating rules and why you should break them
#1 A woman should never ask a guy out: Why should a man be the in-charge? It is as worse as calling him the hunter. How is a girl denting manhood in any way if she takes the initiative? If that is the case, the one who is scared by your forwardness isn’t worth your time. A guy who’s interested in you will be happy and relieved at the same time because the burden is off his shoulders.
#2 If the spark is missing in the first meeting, forget it: Not all fall under the love spell on the very first moment. There is nothing like love-at-first-sight, the only reason for such a notion is portrayal of such kind in flicks. You may not feel the chemistry for the long-haul in the first meeting, but it can develop after you've known him/her for a while.
#3 Don’t see anyone else once you’ve made the commitment: Falling in and out of love can happen any moment. It's human nature to be attracted to other people. But, you must not double date. This could be devastating for your partner. While talking about breaking up because you like someone else will hurt to be told about, it is not so bad as double dating.
#4 Avoid touchy subjects such as religion and politics: Though you won’t begin the conversation straight away asking someone whom they voted for and what you think of religious matters. Just take everything as it comes. If your beliefs clash, you have spirited and interesting conversations ahead, but keep it from getting heated.
#5 Don’t give away all your details, there could be conflicts: Well, if you are looking for true love, you do not really have to worry about whatever conflicts you are likely to attract by all that you reveal. Whoever ‘the one’ is going to be will accept you the way you are, however, make sure that you do not give away your personal details like your personal number, your home address, etc on the first date itself.
While these rules may have worked for one and never for another, the point is that pursuing love is a matter of your own feelings and instincts.
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